I'm the soul

Cassandra Clare once wrote "Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy. all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside."

After reading Clare's words I could not help not to think further. Are we our bodies or our souls? Am I a soul? Is this body I'm stuck in is just a container? I started to think of everything I have learned; didn't god create Adam's body before he placed his soul? However his body did not move, it laid down for days with no actual movement or a single thought, till god slotted in the soul, the body was more likely dead! Once the soul leave the body, the body is no longer active, just after a second that it leaves it, that vigorous body would lay down hopelessly with no sight of life.  Furthermore, we can basically point at everything we contain but not the soul. We have no idea where is the place of our soul. We can't point at a specific place and say "Hey, this is my soul!" . my philosophy did not stop at that, we always say, "it touched my heart" or " it broke my heart" , though our heart is just an organ , with these kind of terms we actually mean our souls without us noticing,  but how can that mean we are the soul not the body? It's because in no matter what body we were placed in, we would have the same feelings, the same thoughts, the same ideas, yet different shape, different container. Evil or good, bad or nice..it's the soul not the body, it's us. The soul. These bodies are from god, keep them safe, take care of them because at a certain time, you will have to return it back. Remember that you are the soul that god blew, never forget how valuable you are.

The Moon

As I was a little girl, I thought there was a bunny that makes hot chocolate for good children. The ones who do well in school, and to respect their parents. However, at a certain age, I lost my grandmother for cancer, her death was expected yet it was shocking to me, how can a person no longer exist? It did not make sense to me so I asked my mom where did she go?  my mom answered me with the weirdest answer; she said " souls go up to the moon".

 I never understood the meaning of it, so I made my own theory, which was ; There was a huge tree of souls, that lighten up the moon for us to guide us through life with their wisdom and carry us through the darkness with their love. I would look at it whenever I felt lonely and think of how these souls are having fun, while we are still being tested on earth. Whenever it was a full moon, I thought, a certain soul must have went up, a new guardian angel for us. My theory developed to a next level, I kept wondering what about the bad people ? where do their souls go? Lightning and thunder must have a reason for existence too! That’s it! Bad souls would stay in the middle, floating between the clouds, and they would argue and fight as lightning and thunder..

I grew older, old enough to know that the moon was just a huge rock and lightning and thunder are just a physical and chemical reactions, yet I would still look at them and think of death and after life. I refused to give up my childhood theories, I did acknowledge how wrong they were, however, they gave me hope, not in what did they stand for, but for they were innocent, they gave me hope that this world still had innocence. I never knew I would grow up to be a different person, I thought that girl who cared only about what game is next would still be the same, I thought I would be making history with the same people I had, I thought we would conquer the world together, or that what we all thought as we walked together the same road not knowing we would face different paths, no connections, no words anymore. The word forever seemed to be long, we never knew how short forever would be. But we were sincere, we meant it at that time, all the promises that we made, they were sincere. Time passed by, it is no longer summer break after a long year of school, it is no longer who we were, no longer a free spirit, who are we? Who am I? In all the chaos, it seemed that I lost my soul, will ever this darkness turn to light? Will I ever find peace in my chaotic world? I miss that girl who used to look at trees and imagine monsters, who would look at the moon and think of the souls, who thought she could change the world, who believed poverty could be cured, who only seen evil on T.V. It's getting harder to breathe life. There is no stop button nor restart. There is only moving on and moving forward, there is going back no more..       

-

Your smile, your horrible glasses, and your dark skin. Why did you come back? I thought your absence was colder, I thought hating you was easier. I’m falling for you again, you cause disturbance in my chaotic brain, and you ache my heart. Your perfume hasn’t changed, so how come you did? How come you love me again? Why are you warm now. Is it because you are sick? or did you finally feel that I’m worth it? I’m worth your attention? Go back; go back to where you came from, these walls have learned how to be alive with the coldness you left. Don’t warm them to leave them again, hating you is easier. I’ve learned to live without you, I’ve learned how to be alive without you, I’ve learned to be my own shoulder, I don’t need you. Don’t make me need you. Don’t teach me how to forgive; don’t teach me how to love again. I’ve burned your images out of my head, I’ve deleted your memories, I’ve learned to pretend you are dead. Why do you have to remind me of you? All these years without you, I needed you. I wanted you. I cried for you, I cried because of you. I’ve grown a thousand years with your absence, why would you come now, why would you tell me I’m your favorite? Why now? I’m tired. You make me tired. You consume me. I need to breathe again. I’m I ought to learn how to live with you now? Or are you going to leave me again? How am I suppose to trust you, I’m scared of enjoying this moment, I’m scared that I’ll get used to your presence to wake up one day without you around. Leave me alone, I don’t need you. I’m on my own. I’m a lone wolf.

a badge of honor

A badge of honor, placed on his chest, next to his heart. Was it worth it? How can the death of harmless children and women be honorable? He thought. How could that be defending his country?. People are gathered for his nobility. The sound of the applause, his own son; with a proud face, wishing to be like him when he grows up. His wife with an arrogant smile, pointing at him; that’s my man.  Do they know?  The darkness he lived, the fear of losing an arm, a leg, or worse; a friend? Sleeping with one eye open, laying with the wolves.  the fear that comes along with the echo of bombs,  the ease that comes with the noise of helicopters.  The death of thousands, by just clicking a button. How can that be courage? How can it be honor? How can it be a protection of a country If it was aimed to a child ? he stood there, knowing that none of them know what he did, what he has been through. He took a look at his colorful badge of honor, knowing that the little boy whom he killed should have been wearing it. That boy who stood in front of him protecting his own father, was more honorable, he had more courage. a better reason to fight, to stand tall. He killed him for the fear, that he might, just might, had a revolver in his pocket.  Deep down, he knows he belongs in a prison, yet wearing a green suit makes everything acceptable. He stood there, accepting this lie. Because it’s easier to fake a smile than to admit a shame. He came too far to admit it now, he has a son; he prays “god, place in him a courage you never placed in me. Protect him".

Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows anyone

As dark as rich aroma, the feeling you get when you know they've been lying to you all that long. The screaming you desire to unleash, all the wrath. But you don't, you don't scream. You behave, you maintain yourself. Because of all, you know, you need to put yourself first. No one will stay with you for forever, other than you.  So you choose to behave, to be a better person, to look at yourself years from now and be proud of whom you are, how you reacted.

When we lose trust of one another, we literally lose everything. For how can we love if we don't trust? How can we share comfort? or even believe the words that have been said to us? I'm not mad that you lied to me; I'm mad that from now on I can't believe you. I knew I can't fully trust you not because I never trusted anyone to the fullest, but because you were too good to be true.  I'm not sure if I didn't know you all along, or if I chose not to. But you put me in a state of darkness, that I shall never put myself in again.