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Your smile, your horrible glasses, and your dark skin. Why did you come back? I thought your absence was colder, I thought hating you was easier. I’m falling for you again, you cause disturbance in my chaotic brain, and you ache my heart. Your perfume hasn’t changed, so how come you did? How come you love me again? Why are you warm now. Is it because you are sick? or did you finally feel that I’m worth it? I’m worth your attention? Go back; go back to where you came from, these walls have learned how to be alive with the coldness you left. Don’t warm them to leave them again, hating you is easier. I’ve learned to live without you, I’ve learned how to be alive without you, I’ve learned to be my own shoulder, I don’t need you. Don’t make me need you. Don’t teach me how to forgive; don’t teach me how to love again. I’ve burned your images out of my head, I’ve deleted your memories, I’ve learned to pretend you are dead. Why do you have to remind me of you? All these years without you, I needed you. I wanted you. I cried for you, I cried because of you. I’ve grown a thousand years with your absence, why would you come now, why would you tell me I’m your favorite? Why now? I’m tired. You make me tired. You consume me. I need to breathe again. I’m I ought to learn how to live with you now? Or are you going to leave me again? How am I suppose to trust you, I’m scared of enjoying this moment, I’m scared that I’ll get used to your presence to wake up one day without you around. Leave me alone, I don’t need you. I’m on my own. I’m a lone wolf.

a badge of honor

A badge of honor, placed on his chest, next to his heart. Was it worth it? How can the death of harmless children and women be honorable? He thought. How could that be defending his country?. People are gathered for his nobility. The sound of the applause, his own son; with a proud face, wishing to be like him when he grows up. His wife with an arrogant smile, pointing at him; that’s my man.  Do they know?  The darkness he lived, the fear of losing an arm, a leg, or worse; a friend? Sleeping with one eye open, laying with the wolves.  the fear that comes along with the echo of bombs,  the ease that comes with the noise of helicopters.  The death of thousands, by just clicking a button. How can that be courage? How can it be honor? How can it be a protection of a country If it was aimed to a child ? he stood there, knowing that none of them know what he did, what he has been through. He took a look at his colorful badge of honor, knowing that the little boy whom he killed should have been wearing it. That boy who stood in front of him protecting his own father, was more honorable, he had more courage. a better reason to fight, to stand tall. He killed him for the fear, that he might, just might, had a revolver in his pocket.  Deep down, he knows he belongs in a prison, yet wearing a green suit makes everything acceptable. He stood there, accepting this lie. Because it’s easier to fake a smile than to admit a shame. He came too far to admit it now, he has a son; he prays “god, place in him a courage you never placed in me. Protect him".