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Your smile, your horrible glasses, and your dark skin. Why did you come back? I thought your absence was colder, I thought hating you was easier. I’m falling for you again, you cause disturbance in my chaotic brain, and you ache my heart. Your perfume hasn’t changed, so how come you did? How come you love me again? Why are you warm now. Is it because you are sick? or did you finally feel that I’m worth it? I’m worth your attention? Go back; go back to where you came from, these walls have learned how to be alive with the coldness you left. Don’t warm them to leave them again, hating you is easier. I’ve learned to live without you, I’ve learned how to be alive without you, I’ve learned to be my own shoulder, I don’t need you. Don’t make me need you. Don’t teach me how to forgive; don’t teach me how to love again. I’ve burned your images out of my head, I’ve deleted your memories, I’ve learned to pretend you are dead. Why do you have to remind me of you? All these years without you, I needed you. I wanted you. I cried for you, I cried because of you. I’ve grown a thousand years with your absence, why would you come now, why would you tell me I’m your favorite? Why now? I’m tired. You make me tired. You consume me. I need to breathe again. I’m I ought to learn how to live with you now? Or are you going to leave me again? How am I suppose to trust you, I’m scared of enjoying this moment, I’m scared that I’ll get used to your presence to wake up one day without you around. Leave me alone, I don’t need you. I’m on my own. I’m a lone wolf.

a badge of honor

A badge of honor, placed on his chest, next to his heart. Was it worth it? How can the death of harmless children and women be honorable? He thought. How could that be defending his country?. People are gathered for his nobility. The sound of the applause, his own son; with a proud face, wishing to be like him when he grows up. His wife with an arrogant smile, pointing at him; that’s my man.  Do they know?  The darkness he lived, the fear of losing an arm, a leg, or worse; a friend? Sleeping with one eye open, laying with the wolves.  the fear that comes along with the echo of bombs,  the ease that comes with the noise of helicopters.  The death of thousands, by just clicking a button. How can that be courage? How can it be honor? How can it be a protection of a country If it was aimed to a child ? he stood there, knowing that none of them know what he did, what he has been through. He took a look at his colorful badge of honor, knowing that the little boy whom he killed should have been wearing it. That boy who stood in front of him protecting his own father, was more honorable, he had more courage. a better reason to fight, to stand tall. He killed him for the fear, that he might, just might, had a revolver in his pocket.  Deep down, he knows he belongs in a prison, yet wearing a green suit makes everything acceptable. He stood there, accepting this lie. Because it’s easier to fake a smile than to admit a shame. He came too far to admit it now, he has a son; he prays “god, place in him a courage you never placed in me. Protect him".

Trust is a lie. Nobody ever knows anyone

As dark as rich aroma, the feeling you get when you know they've been lying to you all that long. The screaming you desire to unleash, all the wrath. But you don't, you don't scream. You behave, you maintain yourself. Because of all, you know, you need to put yourself first. No one will stay with you for forever, other than you.  So you choose to behave, to be a better person, to look at yourself years from now and be proud of whom you are, how you reacted.

When we lose trust of one another, we literally lose everything. For how can we love if we don't trust? How can we share comfort? or even believe the words that have been said to us? I'm not mad that you lied to me; I'm mad that from now on I can't believe you. I knew I can't fully trust you not because I never trusted anyone to the fullest, but because you were too good to be true.  I'm not sure if I didn't know you all along, or if I chose not to. But you put me in a state of darkness, that I shall never put myself in again.

Thoughts on friendship

Henri J.M. Nouwen once wrote: '' When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares". In life, we meet strangers, we laugh with them, we dine with them, and they become part of our life. But how do we measure friendship? Is it by the time they spent with us? Or is it by how much tender they provide us with? Does our heart naturally know who is our true friend or do we not know till we are back-stapped?  Is it by the hours they spent sniggering with us? Or is it by the minutes they stood with us in silence enduring our pain? I may not know much in life, but this much I know, if we desire for a friend to lay on whenever we feel fragile, we shall be that person first. Why is it that we always demand for things that we are not entitled to? We beg for a friendship that lasts forever, we demand a friend that would never leave our back, yet we judge and point fingers at each other, we gossip and feed through the hurt we give one another, yet we hope that the loved ones would come and find comfort in us. But how dare we provide comfort for others when we can't have peace of mind? For how long could we keep this war going? Pleasing who we wish to notice us with tender words. And hurting who give their best to please us. We became scared of trusting. Yet aching for comfort. Hoping that someone would come along forgiving us for our past. And accepting us for who we wish to become. But how could we ask this much when we "ourselves" did not forgive us? Is friendship a relationship established between two strangers? Or does it start within us? be the friend you wish to have.