As I was a little girl, I thought there was a bunny
that makes hot chocolate for good children. The ones who do well in school, and
to respect their parents. However, at a certain age, I lost my grandmother for
cancer, her death was expected yet it was shocking to me, how can a person no
longer exist? It did not make sense to me so I asked my mom where did she go? my mom answered me with the weirdest answer;
she said " souls go up to the moon".
I never understood
the meaning of it, so I made my own theory, which was ; There was a huge tree
of souls, that lighten up the moon for us to guide us through life with their wisdom
and carry us through the darkness with their love. I would look at it whenever I
felt lonely and think of how these souls are having fun, while we are still
being tested on earth. Whenever it was a full moon, I thought, a certain soul
must have went up, a new guardian angel for us. My theory developed to a next
level, I kept wondering what about the bad people ? where do their souls go? Lightning
and thunder must have a reason for existence too! That’s it! Bad souls would
stay in the middle, floating between the clouds, and they would argue and fight
as lightning and thunder..
I grew older, old enough to know that the moon was
just a huge rock and lightning and thunder are just a physical and chemical
reactions, yet I would still look at them and think of death and after life. I refused
to give up my childhood theories, I did acknowledge how wrong they were,
however, they gave me hope, not in what did they stand for, but for they were
innocent, they gave me hope that this world still had innocence. I never knew I
would grow up to be a different person, I thought that girl who cared only
about what game is next would still be the same, I thought I would be making
history with the same people I had, I thought we would conquer the world
together, or that what we all thought as we walked together the same road not
knowing we would face different paths, no connections, no words anymore. The word
forever seemed to be long, we never knew how short forever would be. But we
were sincere, we meant it at that time, all the promises that we made, they
were sincere. Time passed by, it is no longer summer break after a long year of
school, it is no longer who we were, no longer a free spirit, who are we? Who am
I? In all the chaos, it seemed that I lost my soul, will ever this darkness
turn to light? Will I ever find peace in my chaotic world? I miss that girl who
used to look at trees and imagine monsters, who would look at the moon and think
of the souls, who thought she could change the world, who believed poverty
could be cured, who only seen evil on T.V. It's getting harder to breathe life.
There is no stop button nor restart. There is only moving on and moving forward,
there is going back no more..
